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The Last Vestige of Memories Past

Oct. 24th, 2012 | 10:40 pm
emotions: nostalgicnostalgic

How the hell is this journal still up? Damn, LJ must never clean out their servers or else I've just (perhaps) lucked out.

Anyhow, I'm into things today that, given the pervasive nature of the internet, I'd rather not link back to my horrible practices of yore (though I'm sure any halfway determined 4channer could hack together the connection in ten seconds flat e.e).

Anyway, I still RP and I still love video games (now more than ever, really). Still forever alone too, because I'm a megabitch who only attracts "nice guys" but can't seem to make myself fall in love with them, even though they're my only options and I'm less than five years shy of turning 30. Angel, how fucking pathetic am I? Go on, be honest. XD

Okay, that's enough for now. I should be working on a picture or something, not wandering down memory lane. How did this start, anyway? C'est la vie. Time to procrastinate another 26 years away, woot woot.

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Yo! Read this!

Jun. 29th, 2012 | 02:44 pm

Attention people who read this journal:
Please keep in mind that this is all emo crap I write when I'm feeling crazy. It goes away in the morning, I just have a habit of writing crazy things in the middle of the night. Rest assured none of it really has any bearing on real life. I know, it's probably hard to believe that, but it's true. I pick something and I get infatuated with the concept of it, then a week or a month later, I move on to some new infatuation. It's not very healthy, probably, but it's what I do...and I try to limit it to here, so that I can act less than crazy outside of life. Some people have drugs, others have WoW, I have this :p
That is all.

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I just remembered I have an LJ.

Jul. 17th, 2011 | 11:19 am

 Eheh. So uh. Hi. Yeah. I signed in to my account for the first time in almost/over half a year so I could access a community blog, then I got curious and went to read some of my past entries. Damn I sure can be whiny.

I guess things are different now, but not tremendously. I've stopped talking to River. I didn't really plan it, I just...stopped responding to her, and she hasn't messaged me either. Probably helps that I've pretty much stopped going on AIM, ever. I feel a little guilty about it, but reading these chatlogs, I remember how freaking psycho she is. I'll just not contact her, that works for me.

Still basically only have Steve as my only friend, but that's okay. I've made a few new friends, I recently met Layne and Carrie and they seem cool (really hoping I'm not back here in a month posting about what assholes they turned out to be. o.-). Steve and I went to AX recently, it was okay, I went to some panels and learned some stuff. Didn't really have any money but I did get hooked on a brilliant yaoi webcomic, Teahouse. Also got into dollfie fever again.

Graduated Grossmont/Cuyamaca finally, though they still haven't sent my degree. It's just an AA though, it's basically useless. Been trying to find graphic design work but no dice per se. So I'm still stuck at my old job. Argh. Well, it's what I was expecting, an AA is not a BA and most if not all the good jobs demand an BA to even look at your resume.

Um, I started work on a webcomic of my own with a guy named Graeme doing the writing. It's about a girl who is basically a mary sue of me, only she actually has a pool of good friends, and there's this guy at school she likes who's kind of a douche to her but actually he's her online friend and...it's complicated. I should go draw for that right now. Graeme is okay, he has some weird ideas for the comic he wants to push and I don't really agree with some of it but I guess with creativity comes compromise or something like that. We'll see how it goes, I haven't even finished a page yet, I've just been doing character sketches and such.

I was going to move to Oregon with Crow, but I didn't have enough money at the last second...and now she hates me, probably. She was counting on me, and I was all ready, but MM laid me off and I haven't been able to find other work since then and just. No money. I'd be kind of sad to move when I think on it now though, I have my friends here and whatnot. I really want to move out, but that costs money as well. We'll just have to see.
Okay, I'm going to go draw now and look for work. Oh, and work on youtube videos. I started that new channel, I need to do the dragon age 2 review already.
Okay bye. See you in another half year.

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dealing with youtube idiots

Mar. 12th, 2011 | 09:25 am

"It appears I have created some tension posting on your videos, I'm sorry if I voice my opinion brashly, as it is just who I am. I've been watching your videos since I found your mini painting tutorial and I suffered through the Alvin and the Chipmunk voices because I was interested in what you had to say in your reviews.Sadly, this last string of lets plays I just haven't found as entertaining as the game reviews. bad enough to make me actually respond. I've kept my comments vague because 155 characters is not enough to explain opinions and I really didn't think you cared, but if you really want to know just ask I'd be happy to explain it to you. Anyway I said my bit if any more comes of it I'll try to keep it off your videos, shitposting is annoying."
"Well, yes, "shit posting" is annoying. If you dislike the Let's Play videos why do you watch them? You have the option to skip watching a video if you don't like the subject matter...

The Let's Plays are aimed at people who actually like watching LPs. That, and they fill in the silence between when I am able to do game reviews. Sadly game reviews take a LOT more time to film and edit, and thanks to school, work, etc. I don't have the time to do it as often as I'd like. I don't get paid or anything like youtube partners like Tobuscus and Sxephil do, I have to work and such which leaves me very little "free" time (i.e. time I can spend doing videos).

Anyway, certainly it's not my intent to bore anyone. But I don't understand why you watch the videos and post negative things on them but say you don't mean to be negative. Just don't watch them then? You should never feel "bad enough to make [you] actually respond." That's absurd."
"Well I watch your videos because up until the last few months I have enjoyed them, you have a good voice and a distinct personality. Do you turn your back to a friend who is doing something you dont like ordo you tell them you dont like it? I'll admit the anonymity of the internet prolly made me alittle negative. When you originally switched to this channel you said it was going to be a step towards like serious reviewing or whatever which is really cool. Saying you dont get paid though like sxephil or tobuscus (who has terrible Letsplays) isn't really a good reason to not put out good content. If your just doing them for whatever then by all means keep on doing whatever. Also I really enjoy reading and watching lets plays some of my favorites being anything by Slowbeef, Cybershells Sonic LP, the Illbleed LP, and the Devil May Cry lp's by accounting nightmare. most of these probably aren't on youtube but are on the lparchive.org. one on youtube i've found that I like quite alot is psimonkey1337's kirby dream course and his glover lp's."
"Well perhaps the difference lies in that I actually find Toby's LPs hilarious. I'm sorry you "don't like" what I've been doing, but that's really not my problem. Other people do, and I've received a lot more positive than negative remarks on my new channel, unlike the daily hate mail I got/get on my old one. No one is forcing you to watch my LP videos. I clearly mark which videos are LPs and which are reviews. Feel free to skip watching the LPs and only watch the reviews.
My point about the youtube partners is only that I have VERY little time to do videos throughout the week, so I can only find the time to do a good review video maybe once a month max. However I would have 0 subs stick around if I only posted monthly videos, which is why I do the LPs. (That and they're fun).

Finally, I'm sorry but being a long-time subscriber does not make you my "friend." Even if you were, what kind of logic is that? Unless my "friend" is doing something that physically harms themselves or others, I'm not so egotistical as to presume to "correct their ways." Especially if your version of "advice" is just to trashtalk each of their works.

I understand you'll probably ragequit and unsubscribe after receiving this message, maybe even try to rally some more haters to teabag my videos in your absence, but so be it. I'm not going to cancel doing videos I enjoy and that others seem to enjoy because one person dislikes them. Sorry, I won't."

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Stuff and things

Jan. 30th, 2011 | 10:32 pm

So i haven't done a full entry in a very long time here (one that wasn't just a chatog, i mean) and i guess that's because i've been doing most of my whining on facebook...

But that's really not a good thing, since it's just whining for attention, which doesn't make me feel any better and just makes others feel worst.

I just downloaded an app on my phone for lj posting, and it's not easy to type a lot using my little typepad. But i wanted to put some of my feelings down, and i don't want to do it in an attention-whoring note on fb, so i'll do it here, where no one but strangers from brps occasionally read.

I went with steve and joe to see spg in the park today.

Originally i had planned to go alone, but steve and joe showed up in petsmart while i was vlunteering and i asked if they wanted to go. I said it was because i didn't want to do that much driving, but really i wanted the company. We all squished into steve's 2 door truck, but it was bearable. I can stand physical contact as long as there's some thick material between us. Of course sometimes there aree some people who for some inexplicable reason i don't mind physical cpntact with, but that's something else.

I'm always anxious about seeing them after their performing, mostly because it makes me feel like a groupie and a bother and so on, but this time was way worse. A few weeks ago, or maybe it was a couple months ago now, i went to see them at another show. Afterward, i saw chris online and i said it was a good show. Some awkward attempts at a conversation followed, then out of nowhere he announced that he hates me, that he's alwayshhated me, that i allegedly said some mean thing to him years ago before i ever knew him and that he's "only ever been nice to me" while i was always a bitch to him and...just on and on like that.

Of course it hit me out of left field, because hitherto i had thought we were at least okay with each other, even if not friends. However, chris said that not only did he hate me, but everyone else, "they were just too nice to tell me." Now it's well known that my self esteem is in the negative and that i think everyone hates me anyway, so receiving this confirmation of my own doubts sent me into a major funk i was stuck in for quite a while. It was assuaged somewhat when i sent an email asking erin if she really hates me and asking david the ame in IM and they both assured me they do not, but still, "they're just too nice to tell you..."

I do feel that david and erin are extremely nice people and wouldn't tell me they hated me even if they did, but by that same token, i also for some reason feel that they're speaking the truth in reeassuring me..at least that, even if they don't like me, they don't loathe me as strongly as chris intimated. Faint praise maybe, but i find myself clinging to it, desperately hoping it to be true.

Well, that was then, and today i went to see them, as i said. Recently, erin left the band, and i understand it wasn't a terrible split, but still i imagine it wasn't all peaches and cream. Still i don't want to be nosy, and i don't want to pry more details out of either of them--if they want to talk, i am here, but otherwise it's none of my business. It's troubling to me though, because if any of them should be crazy enough to think of me as a friend, it would have to be erin. Thinking that i'm unlikely to see her at any more spg events is troubling--it's taking away a safety net that might otherwise be there to encourage me to see them. I mean, i very much doubt john and mik hate me--butthat's mainly because i've barely spoken to them, and because they are both so nice. No, the only two i would possibly say were my friends in the real sense of the word would be david and erin...and neither of them have i ever been certain of.

I have long had the problem of basing my own self worth on the opinions of others, and knowing this doesn't make it any easier to fix. Steve is very self assured and says that he is unperturbed by anything negative said to him, because he doesn't care, and he doesn't care because "regardless of whoever may disapprove of him, he always has one staunch supporter--himself." Therefore, if i want to share his cavalier attitude towards the opinions of others, i need to love myself...

But as i already said, i've always based my opinion of self wort on that of other people, so how do i change that?

I guess i'm caught in a weird paroxysm of uncertainty--i'm not sure if i'm supposed to deny the bad things people say about me, or accept the truth about them but not mind if i am flawed. Either way seems impossible, but i guess that's my failing.

Anyway, in steve's observation of today, david was apprehensive towards me at first, but then he became engaged in our conversation. I don't know if that means he's still/was ever my friend or if it just means i passedthe test of "being an okay person to talk to if present," but i shall endeavor to take comfort from it either way.

I also found it both elightening and amusing that, by steve's estimation, chris was not at all happy with the others talking to me as if we were chummy. I don't want to create dischord among them, but i have to admit i'd rather it be so that at least some of them like me than that they all wish i'd stop showing up at their shows. Of course this keeps the problem of "how do i make/stay friends with the rest of them without having to deal with the bad apple among them" but...i guess that's wjat life is about, learning to compromise. In the meantime i'll content myself with staying on the sidelines, hoping i can figure out how to improve david's and erin's opinions of me until i can feel assured of their friendship, and appreciating the few friends i have who seem to genuinely enjoy my company, despite my many flaws--

Now if you'll excuse me, my thumbs are about to fall off >.<

Posted via LjBeetle

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(no subject)

Jan. 19th, 2011 | 09:38 pm

[21:35:53] Cleo: ughhhh
[21:36:09] Cleo: why do "knows basic grammar" and "creatively driven" never seem to go hand in hand?
[21:36:10] Cleo: what a paradox
[21:36:55] steve: Well most people who know basic grammar, and are creative, usually don't RP.
[21:36:59] steve: They write.

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(no subject)

Jan. 19th, 2011 | 05:39 pm

((If anyone else reads this, please be aware before you judge me that this is the same shit river ALWAYS PULLS and I don't IMMEDIATELY snap at her every time--just when she pulls the same nonsense first thing we talk, saying the same sort of shit that she always says and going on with her same psychoses and...just forget it. Don't read. I'm tired of you people automatically assuming the whole of what I feel based off one single chatlog, in which I'm already at my wit's end.))

[16:29:16] River: Hey

[16:29:20] Cleo: hi

[16:29:28] River: Can I tlak to you about my idea before I just do it and feel like an idiot"

[16:29:30] River: ?

[16:29:37] Cleo: yes

[16:30:49] River: Remember how you told me to introduce another character?

[16:31:02] Cleo: i said you could if you want

[16:31:15] River: well given I only have one and she's fairly incapacitated?

[16:31:30] Cleo: yes but you shouldn't introduce a char just to introduce a char

[16:31:33] River: it seemed like a pretty reasonable choice, only other one is to ff several days or a week to get to where she'd up and going

[16:31:41] Cleo: if you have a backstory that's relevant to the rp, then it's okay

[16:31:49] Cleo: well i'm sure there are other options but anyway

[16:31:51] Cleo: what is your idea

[16:32:07] River: there probably are but I cou;dn't come up with them..

[16:32:38] Cleo: it's fine what is your idea

[16:33:07] River: well..

[16:33:42] River: I figured one of the things Lirael would've had set up before going into the battle would be to have a message sent to Halef city should she die or be otherwise incapacitated. and given the situation that would've been carried out.

[16:34:21] River: Well, if the message got to Halef City that one of their knights was greviously injured in a fight against evil in a nearby township and in need of assistance, naturally assistance would be sent.

[16:34:39] Cleo: a fight against evil lol

[16:34:52] River: goblins are generally considered pretty evil.

[16:34:58] Cleo: the phrasing amused me

[16:35:00] Cleo: "war on terror"

[16:35:04] River: that's how the knights' council would've spun it anyway.

[16:35:11] River: -coughs-

[16:35:25] River: Can I finish or have you already decided it's a stupid idea?

[16:35:28] Cleo: naturally huh? i guess halef is rolling in spare recruits then

[16:35:34] Cleo: would you chillax

[16:35:38] Cleo: you haven't even stated an idea yet

[16:35:44] River: ...

[16:35:53] Cleo: you're just building up to one

[16:35:55] River: Forget it, I'll just try to come up with one of the 'other options'.

[16:35:59] Cleo: river

[16:36:01] Cleo: knock it off

[16:36:04] Cleo: seriously

[16:36:04] River: That's all I wanted.

[16:36:10] River: You can go back to whatever you were doing.

[16:36:15] Cleo: stop being psycho

[16:36:17] Cleo: what is your goddamn idea

[16:36:30] River: Nothing, it's stupid and unrealistic.

[16:36:40] Cleo: well i guess i'll never know since you won't tell me

[16:36:49] Cleo: and realism in an rp about dragons is certainly an important criteria

[16:37:01] River: Well, it's one of my ideas. So odds are it is stupid, unrealistic, or both.

[16:37:03] River: Or cliche.

[16:37:05] River: Or just boring.

[16:37:21] Cleo: there you go again

[16:38:06] Cleo: ugh

[16:38:10] River: heh.

[16:38:33] Cleo: so you're really never going to tell me, on the off chance that your idea is stupid.

[16:38:35] Cleo: that's pretty dumb.

[16:38:41] River: Not on the off-chance.

[16:38:52] Cleo: oh, you're having a low self esteem attack. i see.

[16:38:57] River: You've already pointed out a rather considerable flaw in it.

[16:39:05] Cleo: perhaps we can make it more feasible

[16:39:10] Cleo: but you need to tell me waht the goddamn idea is first

[16:39:11] Cleo: seriously

[16:39:16] Cleo: why do you make everything into an ordeal

[16:39:21] River: Fine, fuck the build up, I'll just bloody summarize.

[16:40:07] River: The idea would be that another knight, one of about Lirael's caliber but not a dragonslayer like her, would be sent to retreive her and Astin, and that would give me a direct presence in the town and some influence, until Lirael is up to speed again.

[16:40:18] Cleo: so a replacement lirael...?

[16:40:26] River: ..

[16:40:30] River: And that's why it's fucking stupid.

[16:40:37] Cleo: or you could stop immediately going psycho

[16:40:41] Cleo: and explain what you mean more

[16:40:45] River: I didn't even think of it that way.

[16:40:53] Cleo: okay, then say that

[16:41:10] Cleo: stop with the drama queen elipses and the 'ugh i'm so dumb all my ideas are stupid' bullshit

[16:41:26] River: Most of them are.

[16:41:34] River: Again, boring, stupid, cliche or unrealistic.

[16:41:54] River: I suppose what I was thinking was more like

[16:42:21] Cleo: *tries to lie out of mr. suck*

[16:42:35] Cleo: remember what i told you last time we talked

[16:42:48] Cleo: how even if you do feel your ideas are stupid, saying stuff like that only makes the people you're complaining to resent you?

[16:42:49] Cleo: yeah.

[16:42:54] River: not a replacement but a temporary substitute. and given that they probably asked for volunteers before saying 'You, go to <town> and rescue the Blue Knight', chances are this guy knows her, or knows of her at least, enough to willingly take it.

[16:43:00] River: Like you don't resent me already.

[16:43:14] River: You complain all the time about how nobody's ever as good as Angel was.

[16:43:19] Cleo: river

[16:43:23] River: And how everyone esle sucks ad I'm just barely good enough.

[16:43:23] Cleo: *rubs forehead*

[16:43:26] Cleo: why are you being like this

[16:43:28] Cleo: you are so

[16:43:30] Cleo: crazy

[16:43:33] Cleo: where do you make up all this from

[16:43:42] River: I freakin' remember all this.

[16:43:46] Cleo: i say one thing years ago

[16:43:53] River: Years ago?>

[16:43:55] Cleo: and you take it and twist it and pervert it and swear that's what i always feel, all the time

[16:43:58] River: I have barely known you a year

[16:43:59] Cleo: or months, it doesn't matter

[16:44:01] Cleo: nno

[16:44:06] Cleo: actually i've known you since right after angel died

[16:44:06] River: No, trust me

[16:44:08] Cleo: and she died two years ago

[16:44:15] Cleo: no, trust me, i have a very reliable method for dating this

[16:44:17] River: I met you after R.

[16:44:23] Cleo: whatever

[16:44:24] River: Which was last November.

[16:44:25] Cleo: the point is still

[16:44:34] River: yeah, you're right, it's just splitting hairs.

[16:44:40] River: I'm sorry.

[16:44:41] Cleo: that you take something I allegedly said at one time, twist it beyond recognition, and THEN assume that's what I feel all the time, always

[16:44:50] River: I want to be good enough, honestly, but it seems like I can;t.

[16:44:59] Cleo: especially not if every fucking time we talk

[16:45:05] Cleo: the first thing out of your mouth is "Wah i suck"

[16:45:23] Cleo: you don't earn a job by going into an office and telling them everything you think you can't do

[16:45:34] Cleo: you don't make/keep friends by constantly telling them all your supposed flaws

[16:45:37] River: well of course not.

[16:45:49] River: and it's not 'supposed' but whatever.

[16:45:56] Cleo: there you go

[16:45:57] Cleo: seriously

[16:46:02] Cleo: do you not read what you are syaing?

[16:46:07] River: yes.

[16:46:11] River: ... sometimes.

[16:46:40] Cleo: river

[16:46:42] Cleo: try something for me

[16:46:48] Cleo: before hitting enter on every comment you make

[16:46:49] River: yes?

[16:46:59] Cleo: stop, reread it, and try to imagine if i was saying it to you instead of visa versa

[16:47:07] Cleo: and try to determine if it's just some stupid bitchy negative thing to say

[16:47:10] Cleo: and if it is, DONT SAY IT

[16:47:22] Cleo: or reword it to get your point across without inserting "wah i suck" unnecessarily

[16:47:24] Cleo: seriously, try it

[16:47:28] Cleo: try it in relation to everyone else as well

[16:47:46] Cleo: and re: your idea, you can do it if you want

[16:48:01] Cleo: but my fear is that you'll end up playing the new person very similarly to how you play lirael

[16:48:10] Cleo: which doesn't add to the plot, it doesn't give us anythign new to approach

[16:48:18] Cleo: i'd rather see you play a character who was significantly different

[16:48:23] Cleo: either in occupation, temperment, whatever

[16:49:00] River: I tried to think of good ideas for several days and this is literally the only decent one I came up with.

[16:49:08] River: But you're right that is an extremely legitimate fear.

[16:49:21] Cleo: well

[16:49:25] Cleo: did you try reading some other stories

[16:49:30] Cleo: or watching some movies with good stories in them

[16:49:39] River: No.

[16:49:55] Cleo: try that then

[16:50:00] Cleo: if you can't be original, steal

[16:50:06] Cleo: it's just rp, it's not like anyone can sue you for it

[16:50:20] River: I wouldn't know where to go to find stuff like that.

[16:50:52] Cleo: ...the library?

[16:51:20] River: True but I mean, how do I differentiate between a good story and a terrible one just by looking at them?

[16:52:39] Cleo: well

[16:52:41] Cleo: do you enjoy it?

[16:52:42] Cleo: then it

[16:52:48] Cleo: 's probably a good story, at lest in some way

[16:52:55] Cleo: or i could recommend some authors but those take a while to read

[16:52:59] Cleo: do you ever read for pleasure

[16:53:05] River: Not anymore//

[16:53:19] Cleo: why not

[16:53:23] River: brb

[16:58:19] River: I don't know why anymore. I used to when I was younger.

[16:58:38] Cleo: maybe you should start again

[16:58:43] Cleo: i could recommend some series i think are fun

[16:58:45] River: I probably should.

[16:58:48] River: like what

[16:59:13] Cleo: hmm

[16:59:14] Cleo: well

[16:59:22] Cleo: it's hard to say since you have so many hair triggers

[16:59:27] Cleo: i want to say the sookie stackhouse books but

[16:59:33] Cleo: there are some playboy guys in it

[16:59:35] Cleo: and uh

[16:59:44] Cleo: it's set in louisianna so occasionally there's mention of hunting

[16:59:49] Cleo: but it's what trueblood is based off

[16:59:55] Cleo: lots of vamps and shapeshifters and faeries and weres

[16:59:56] River: I'll pass.

[17:00:02] Cleo: lol

[17:00:05] River: I don't really typically take to vampire stories.

[17:00:13] Cleo: well that's the thing that's funny about it

[17:00:19] Cleo: it's not all gloomy and mysterius like anne rice

[17:00:24] Cleo: or teenage wet dream like twilight

[17:00:38] Cleo: it's...sort of like "how would the world really react if vamps were real"

[17:00:40] Cleo: well

[17:00:47] River: I know.

[17:00:50] Cleo: other books i can think of are very long and rather tedious

[17:00:50] River: I'll still pass.

[17:00:52] Cleo: fine

[17:01:03] Cleo: well

[17:01:09] Cleo: what was the last adult book you read

[17:01:16] Cleo: and by adult i mean geared for mature readers, not porn

[17:01:20] River: Mass Effect Revelation.

[17:01:28] River: Well.

[17:01:33] River: Um.

[17:01:37] River: Possibly Voices of Heaven

[17:01:38] Cleo: ew

[17:01:39] Cleo: really?

[17:01:42] River: ...

[17:01:45] Cleo: a book based off a video game? lol

[17:01:50] River: No, actually

[17:01:56] River: It's backstory to the video game.

[17:02:01] Cleo: ...aha

[17:02:03] River: An addition to the canon universe.

[17:02:07] Cleo: well i guess i shouldn't talk, i read the halo novels

[17:02:13] Cleo: still i don't really...that's not what imeant

[17:02:15] Cleo: i dunno

[17:02:21] Cleo: you said you like piers anthony didn't you

[17:02:21] River: The Voices of Heaven, then.

[17:02:23] River: Sci-fi.

[17:02:30] River: Very.. um. Interesting.

[17:02:31] Cleo: the problem is if you read his scifi you're going to want to do scifi plots and i'm not

[17:02:32] Cleo: really

[17:02:36] Cleo: but

[17:02:42] River: Peirs anthony, yeah.

[17:02:46] Cleo: maybe you could take the underlying theme and adapt it to fantasy

[17:02:57] River: Maybe, but not likely.

[17:03:04] River: It has been a long time since I was in school

[17:03:13] River: Where I would be exposed to anything like that sort of techniqe

[17:03:16] Cleo: what?

[17:03:23] Cleo: i don't mean anything fancy like that

[17:03:36] Cleo: i mean if you get interested in a forbidden love between a garlaxl alien and a human

[17:03:46] Cleo: you could adapt it to a fae and a human with the same sort of tragedy

[17:03:47] Cleo: or whatever

[17:03:49] River: What?

[17:04:01] River: Also isn't forbidden love a bit played out?

[17:04:04] Cleo: river

[17:04:07] Cleo: i was just doing an example

[17:04:10] River: Sorry.

[17:04:14] Cleo: and everything's played out to a degree

[17:04:21] Cleo: the hint is to rework it until it's interesting agin

[17:04:28] River: Yes, but

[17:04:33] River: hang on.

[17:07:22] River: The problem is you and I are very different in what we find acceptably interesting. As well as I can tell, and this may be inaccurate but this is how I view it, you prefer a certain level of interestingness, as constant as possible with peaks of higher-interest. I, on the other hand, am more roller-coaster in my preference. Highs of very high interest and lows of more mundane sections are perfectly fine by me as long as they're balanced, and that difference in our [perceived] tastes is what's causing a great deal of strife for us. The fact is I am abominably lazy and unable to maintain that typical level of interesting that you want. In order to be able to post consistantly I have to take breaks, ie mundane sections, where I can more or less turn my brain off. Sad, sure, pathetic, yes, but it's how I am and I really don't know how to change it.

[17:07:35] River: I didn't mean to ramble there, i just sort of came out that way.

[17:07:52] Cleo: um

[17:08:00] Cleo: it's not that i think a plot has to be high-action all the time

[17:08:07] Cleo: but our story has been meandering for awhile now

[17:08:18] Cleo: and yes, I guess I'm not a big fan of a lot of posts where nothing happens

[17:08:25] River: can I interrupt there?

[17:08:29] Cleo: i'm already done

[17:10:36] River: if the story has meandered, in my defense, it is primarily because you keep tacking on new stuff with, as far as I can see, no relation to the main plot. if there even is one. Lirael left from the first town, and you got bored and so added in Astin. Who you made a werewolf, and in very bad condition. So of course a detour to get him in better shape was necessary. and then you decided to have the werewolves attack, and then forcibly out Astin's real nature, and then the whole goblins thing and this whole 'werewolf king that wants Lirael to become a werewolf too because, uh.. he thinks she's tough or something'.

[17:10:50] River: Maybe that was a bit bitchy, in which case, I apologize.

[17:11:02] Cleo: maybe we should just give up, lol

[17:11:06] River: But it seems like since, basically, the first section, I have had no control and no say in this.

[17:11:13] Cleo: if it's this hard to work out a story that makes both of us happy, maybe it's not meant to be

[17:11:29] River: -sighs-

[17:11:36] Cleo: it's really not a big deal

[17:11:42] River: If you want to. It's not exactly unusual for my partners to abandon me.

[17:11:45] Cleo: BRPS brought up a good point

[17:11:50] Cleo: there you go again

[17:11:55] River: It isn't.

[17:11:57] Cleo: stop looking at it as something as dramatic as "abandon"

[17:12:02] Cleo: there's no need to say somethign like that

[17:12:12] Cleo: it feels like you're trying to guilt me into still playing with you, and that's fucked up\

[17:12:25] River: You want to stop rping with me, and why else would you talk to me? That's pretty much abandonment.

[17:12:41] Cleo: okay, river

[17:12:46] Cleo: you're being melodramatic.

[17:12:51] Cleo: there are such things as amicable parting.

[17:13:05] River: yeah, well I haven't had the pleasure.

[17:13:07] Cleo: and you're the one saying we have to cease contact outside of rp, not me

[17:13:16] Cleo: probably because you cop an attitude whenever the matter comes up.

[17:13:20] Cleo: you're going to get what you give.

[17:13:27] Cleo: if you want an amicable parting, the first step is to be amicable yourself.

[17:13:30] River: And this really doesn't help my confidence. I try to be reasonable and explain and all of a sudden you're all 'well fuck, forget it'

[17:13:41] Cleo: river, stop being overly dramatic, seriously

[17:13:45] Cleo: if i meant 'well fuck, forget it'

[17:13:49] Cleo: i would say 'well fuck, forget it'

[17:13:57] Cleo: believe it or not I've been giving htis thought for awhile now

[17:13:59] River: I don't really give a damn about an amicable parting, Cleo. I've never had one and probably never will, and it's very likely by majority my own fault.

[17:14:14] River: great..

[17:14:22] Cleo: whatever our former synergy, we don't seem to have it anymore, and maybe it would jsut be better if we found partners that better suit us

[17:14:33] Cleo: you could find someone who prefers your roller coaster scifi furry tastes

[17:14:38] Cleo: and honestly, i'm kind of done with rp

[17:14:49] Cleo: i'll never have what i had with angel again, and honestly, i'm okay with that

[17:14:54] River: Whatever, Cleo.

[17:15:02] Cleo: oh river.

[17:15:08] River: I've been given this line enoguh times to know it's the same fucking thing.

[17:15:13] River: As usual all my work is for nothing.

[17:15:15] Cleo: i'm trying to be nice about this, but if you insist on being a petulant child, i don't know what else I can do with you.

[17:15:42] River: You're trying to be nice about 'I've thought about it for a while and we should stop rping, so, yanno, fuck you'

[17:15:47] Cleo: river

[17:15:48] Cleo: you're crazy

[17:15:50] Cleo: that's it.

[17:16:00] Cleo: if you are going to insist on completely ignoring what I'm ACTUALLY saying and

[17:16:12] Cleo: come up with some fucked up version cast by your own extreme self esteem issues, then there' snothing i can do about it.

[17:16:12] River: Just leave me alone. You've done enough in wrecking yet more of my honest work.

[17:16:17] Cleo: lol.

[17:16:30] Cleo: sorry river. i tried to be patient with you, but you're determined to behave like this so there's nothing I can do.

[17:16:33] Cleo: Have a good night.

[17:16:43] *** "River (VornerinRandir)" signed off at Wed Jan 19 17:16:42 2011.

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(no subject)

Dec. 15th, 2010 | 10:17 pm

The wrong one died, Angel...
the wrong one died
the wrong one died
the wrong one died

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(no subject)

Dec. 15th, 2010 | 10:04 pm

Sorry Chris. Apparently it won't let me delete my own entries off your site. Silly blogspot.

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in which River is socially retarded

Oct. 29th, 2010 | 11:16 pm
emotions: annoyedannoyed

Cleo: sooo
Cleo: you wanted me on...?
River: No.. you didn't have to get on for me.
Cleo: i was getting on anyway
Cleo: but i'm here, so did you want to talk or what?
River: If you want to tell me about stuff I'll listen..
Cleo: i don't have anything to say heh
Cleo: but i won't be on for several days so
Cleo: if you wanted to talk about something, now is the time
River: I don't have anything worth saying..
Cleo: you could at least give me a hint over what has you so upset.
Cleo: is it another nationstates thing
River: No.
Cleo: real life?
River: .. Sort of I guess.
Cleo: >.<
River: it doesn't matter.
Cleo: this is ridiculous
Cleo: yes it does
River: ...
River: It has to do with R.
Cleo: you contacted her again?
River: No.
River: I really don't want to talk about it.
Cleo: then why did you bring it up
River: I've already talked about it with someone else.
River: I didn't..
Cleo: you did actually
Cleo: Cleo: I'm guessing you're in a downswing
River: yes, something bad happened.
Cleo: jim?
River: I won't bother you with it.
Cleo: e.e
River: I wasn't going to lie.
River: I said something bad happened and then I said I wasn't going to talk about it.
Cleo: lol river
Cleo: you're saying like
Cleo: okay whatever
Cleo: how you can be unaware of what you're doing, i don't know
Cleo: but whatever
Cleo: but you did bring it up.
Cleo: and it's not very nice of you to bring it up then say nothing about it.
River: well I'm sorry for bringing it up.
River: Should I lie next time and say I'm just tired or something?
Cleo: river you went out of your way to mention it
Cleo: you could have said nothing
Cleo: or just 'yes, i'm depressed'
River: I'll keep that in mind.


re: halloween
river: oh right, it's this weekend..
Cleo: yess
Cleo: you should go out
river: We don't really celebrate halloween anymore.
river: I'm too old to trick-or-treat and too ugly to go to parties.


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