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Jan. 30th, 2011 | 10:32 pm

So i haven't done a full entry in a very long time here (one that wasn't just a chatog, i mean) and i guess that's because i've been doing most of my whining on facebook...

But that's really not a good thing, since it's just whining for attention, which doesn't make me feel any better and just makes others feel worst.

I just downloaded an app on my phone for lj posting, and it's not easy to type a lot using my little typepad. But i wanted to put some of my feelings down, and i don't want to do it in an attention-whoring note on fb, so i'll do it here, where no one but strangers from brps occasionally read.

I went with steve and joe to see spg in the park today.

Originally i had planned to go alone, but steve and joe showed up in petsmart while i was vlunteering and i asked if they wanted to go. I said it was because i didn't want to do that much driving, but really i wanted the company. We all squished into steve's 2 door truck, but it was bearable. I can stand physical contact as long as there's some thick material between us. Of course sometimes there aree some people who for some inexplicable reason i don't mind physical cpntact with, but that's something else.

I'm always anxious about seeing them after their performing, mostly because it makes me feel like a groupie and a bother and so on, but this time was way worse. A few weeks ago, or maybe it was a couple months ago now, i went to see them at another show. Afterward, i saw chris online and i said it was a good show. Some awkward attempts at a conversation followed, then out of nowhere he announced that he hates me, that he's alwayshhated me, that i allegedly said some mean thing to him years ago before i ever knew him and that he's "only ever been nice to me" while i was always a bitch to him and...just on and on like that.

Of course it hit me out of left field, because hitherto i had thought we were at least okay with each other, even if not friends. However, chris said that not only did he hate me, but everyone else, "they were just too nice to tell me." Now it's well known that my self esteem is in the negative and that i think everyone hates me anyway, so receiving this confirmation of my own doubts sent me into a major funk i was stuck in for quite a while. It was assuaged somewhat when i sent an email asking erin if she really hates me and asking david the ame in IM and they both assured me they do not, but still, "they're just too nice to tell you..."

I do feel that david and erin are extremely nice people and wouldn't tell me they hated me even if they did, but by that same token, i also for some reason feel that they're speaking the truth in reeassuring me..at least that, even if they don't like me, they don't loathe me as strongly as chris intimated. Faint praise maybe, but i find myself clinging to it, desperately hoping it to be true.

Well, that was then, and today i went to see them, as i said. Recently, erin left the band, and i understand it wasn't a terrible split, but still i imagine it wasn't all peaches and cream. Still i don't want to be nosy, and i don't want to pry more details out of either of them--if they want to talk, i am here, but otherwise it's none of my business. It's troubling to me though, because if any of them should be crazy enough to think of me as a friend, it would have to be erin. Thinking that i'm unlikely to see her at any more spg events is troubling--it's taking away a safety net that might otherwise be there to encourage me to see them. I mean, i very much doubt john and mik hate me--butthat's mainly because i've barely spoken to them, and because they are both so nice. No, the only two i would possibly say were my friends in the real sense of the word would be david and erin...and neither of them have i ever been certain of.

I have long had the problem of basing my own self worth on the opinions of others, and knowing this doesn't make it any easier to fix. Steve is very self assured and says that he is unperturbed by anything negative said to him, because he doesn't care, and he doesn't care because "regardless of whoever may disapprove of him, he always has one staunch supporter--himself." Therefore, if i want to share his cavalier attitude towards the opinions of others, i need to love myself...

But as i already said, i've always based my opinion of self wort on that of other people, so how do i change that?

I guess i'm caught in a weird paroxysm of uncertainty--i'm not sure if i'm supposed to deny the bad things people say about me, or accept the truth about them but not mind if i am flawed. Either way seems impossible, but i guess that's my failing.

Anyway, in steve's observation of today, david was apprehensive towards me at first, but then he became engaged in our conversation. I don't know if that means he's still/was ever my friend or if it just means i passedthe test of "being an okay person to talk to if present," but i shall endeavor to take comfort from it either way.

I also found it both elightening and amusing that, by steve's estimation, chris was not at all happy with the others talking to me as if we were chummy. I don't want to create dischord among them, but i have to admit i'd rather it be so that at least some of them like me than that they all wish i'd stop showing up at their shows. Of course this keeps the problem of "how do i make/stay friends with the rest of them without having to deal with the bad apple among them" but...i guess that's wjat life is about, learning to compromise. In the meantime i'll content myself with staying on the sidelines, hoping i can figure out how to improve david's and erin's opinions of me until i can feel assured of their friendship, and appreciating the few friends i have who seem to genuinely enjoy my company, despite my many flaws--

Now if you'll excuse me, my thumbs are about to fall off >.<

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